Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
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I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
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My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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