tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
