i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
