I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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