Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He shit in the fireplace
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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