you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
