If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just invented taco cereal.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
