I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
