I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
