If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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