If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
