he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
