I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
