My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
