I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
