My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
