My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
