thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
