dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
