is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
it was like having sex with a tree stump
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
