Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
