Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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