So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
