The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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