I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
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i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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