ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
