He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
