I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
