Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I smell stomach acid.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
