Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
