drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
