wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So much rum. So many feels.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
