bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
