so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
