I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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