You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
