The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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