so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
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we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
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I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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