Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
