I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
