so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
