Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So squirting runs in the family.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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