If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
