Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
