So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
