My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
