the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
