Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Never joke about your clitoris.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
