The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
