I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
