from now on my penis is your penis
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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