I take back everything I said about communal showers
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
