I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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