A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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