walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
foreskin is a definite game changer
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
