Fuck appropriateness.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
