i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I could fuck to npr.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
