one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
