Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
