Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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