I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
