I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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