I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
