I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I love having hate sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
