Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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