just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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