You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize