With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
